SO Dallas made me realize something...
(and this is a bit of a rant, but I consider it a healthy purging of feelings)
I'm not the only one who is going insane with boredom. No job, no friends, no money, no heat, and every day I wake up and wish it was tomorrow. And I've been doing this for two months.. I'm a prisoner in my own house, a microcosm of sleep and tea, and weed and wine, which would be fine if it wasn't just me all the time. It's just me in my head every goddamn day. I'm the annoying friend I can't avoid. Cabin fever is one that can't just be cured with more cowbell (at least I've still got that razor sharp wit, eh?). I think maybe I thought moving was going to fix everything. (Well to be fair I don't have any of my old problems...just a whole bunch of new ones.) Or maybe writing a blog including the few photos Ive taken in the last 2 months so that it looks like I'm living the big city life and I am out doing lots of exciting exciting things.
Did you guys see the Amityville Horror when Ryan Reynolds feels crappy when he's at home and then the second they leave he feels better? It's kind of like that, except with less wood splitting and six packs. But I digress.
Smash, bless her heart, works her ass off and and I do is sleep and curl my hair. We barely ever see eachother anymore. I've quite had enough of this, but getting a job has its share of hoops to jump through. I keep thinking that next week I'll be able to start working. But thats turned into two weeks. and then two turns into three.
If it wasn't for Tuna I might be out of my skull. I figure if I'm talking to an animal, it's better than talking to myself.
My only other friend here has thrown me under the bus and fed me to the wolves. After everything I've done for him and everything he preached to me it turns out I was worth nothing. Would a friend sell you out to make themselves look better? Would a friend rub your nose into something youve already apologized and admitted you fucked up about? And they told you not to worry about it? Fuck that. I don't deserve that.
So now I've got an extra murder city devils ticket I guess.
So FUCK IT. I'm going to paint and take walks and make new friends and even though I don't have any money I'm going to have A GOOD TIME. Because I'm sick of this, and sick of putting faith and trust into people who don't deserve to have me as a friend. Because I'm a GOOD PERSON. And I forgot that for a while.
Thanks for being my friends. Even though you are all far away and I can't hug anyone right now, I want everyone to know that I love all y'all.
And Dallas, I'm with you on this one. It won't be like this forever.
6 comments:
The greatest part of this is, I TOTALLY REFERENCED AMITYVILLE HORROR earlier today when I was talking to... well, honestly, I was talking to one of the cats... and she was saying (or I was imagining her saying) 'Keeeeetchum.... kiiiiiiiiiill 'em."
And I decided to finally dig out the box that has all of my comicbookartsupplystuff in it.
Love you. Miss you. Hang in there.
I love and miss all you kids a great deal. Despite being a working man (kind of... details later...) I find myself with a ridiculous amount of free time that seems to be filled only with walking and yelling at my dog. We'll all come out on top, I know it.
you're deaaaafintetly not alone o-face... the past few months which have felt like 8 years, have been wrought with interior landscapes that have, at times, ratcheted my well being into previously unknown levels of frustration/desperation/the whole gamut of etc.'s, complemented and exacerbated by wintertime and living in a new place and not really knowing anyone...
That said, I've learned (hopefully for the last time) that full of shit people, fucked up people, insecure people, and the whole gamut of etc.'s people, will fuck with your shit, with a smile, and do it again if given the opportunity (and this isn't coming from a posture of victimization; more of a -saw it coming from a mile away, didn't move out of the way, and can't be too shocked by predictable outcomes- /pissed about my own unpredictable outcomes which would harm those closest, posture)... I guess in a roundabout way, I'm getting at (from experiences that are highly subjective, yet liberally infused into this half-drunk ramble) that owning up to our own messes is necessary; nonetheless some people are complete shitheads. And they tend to leave scars.
More importantly, I've been relearning (thank the fuckin' lawd because it's about time) that no matter how fucked things get within/without of oneself-they always get equally or greater in magnitudes of awesome, better... (and then inevitably turn around again, but fuck thinking about that shit when we're holding aces!!). I'm also thinking that it might be in proper taste to ease up on the stream-of-conscious-4am just got home from the bars (many of which don't ever close here) blog rambles, but hey, you bastards are stuck with me.
x's and o's para mis amigos!
O is too heartcore to be effed with. I say we send out a Munich style hit squad on every and any emma-effers effing with her scene.
And Portland will be seeing me this summer, so look out - hard hat area!
Hey, I don't have the sense of ever-reaching wisdom that everyone else has but I can say that I will be traveling down to Portland in a few weeks...Yea!!!! Also, just remember that every time you hear white noise, it's just the reverberation of the static sound left over from the Big Bang. Even static on TV or the radio is remnants of the Big Bang. I learned that in class today. Anyways, when's Murder City Devils, I think they're playing here tomorrow? Keep your head up yo!
update:
maybe i'm a little rash when it comes to deciding the fate of a friendship.
lesson: dont believe everything a drunk person tells you.
that being said i'm glad it happened because i got a great sense of freedom that sort of stays with me even though things are mended.
it was a rough couple of days. i'm better now.
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