Extreme Chakra Makeover.

I'm currently sitting in a conference room on the 15th floor of Wells Fargo Headquarters in Provo, Utah, listening to some lady (who is REALLY excited for the UVSC/BYU football game tomorrow) give a presentation on medicated acne washes and studies about elastin. Approximately the same second I realized that there was wireless in this building, I stopped listening, but I assure you: there are some truly a-MAZ-ing, fab-U-lous, ex-CIT-ing breakthroughs in the world of skin-care. Truly.

I've been in the SLC/Provo area for the past couple of days. My family is here for this conference, and I am here for some intense Rapid Eye Therapy (the R.E.T. is my birthday present from my mother). My 'therapist' is the Muggle equivalent of Professor Trelawny, and works via intuition; every morning, at 8 am when I arrive for my session, she and I do a series of... gestures, is what I think they'd be called, designed to "open our minds and hearts to intuition." Then she all but buries me with pillows and blankets in a massive, overstuffed armchair with my legs up on an ottoman, and uses a clear wand to make my eyes freak the fuck out, inducing a false REM cycle. Whilst I am in this REM cycle, she attempts to clear my chakras of the negative energy and patterns leftover from the birthing process and the 'trauma of being forced from the womb.' She then tries to reset the 'energy patterns of my chakras' by trying, I assume, to coax an epilectic seizure while having me yell "I AM NOT NOT I AM ALONE I AM I AM ALONE I AM NOT I AM NOT NOT ALONE I AM IAM NOT ALONE I AM NOT NOT I AM NOT NOT ALONE," and so on and so forth. Then she gives me a mint and sends me on my merry little way.

While this is exciting enough, it gets better: at the beginning of every session, I have to "declare my intentions" for the session. In this declaration, I ask for help from my "ministering angels," and she asks for the negative energy to leave the house after it has been sent from me (today she forbade the negative energy from inhabiting her appliances). So, it's basically an exorcism.

My mom brought me to Utah for an exorcism.

The best part, though, is the last part of my declaration of intent: I get to invoke 'healing by proxy.' Which means, I get to share my healed energy. She requires that her patients include her family, but I get to pick other people.

Guess what, bitches? I picked all of you. You're all getting exorcised by proxy. If y'all start feeling like you've experience a chakra colonic, you'll know what happened. You get all of the perks, with none of the aromatic oils or twitching or nausea.

You're welcome.

Anyway, more on how Utah is fckd later.