An Ongoing Open Letter to Professional Property Management

Dear Professional Property Management,

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKERS! In my original lease you failed to mention that my upon the end of the lease it would not default to a month-to-month basis. Rather you informed me that I would be renewing my lease upon paying for rent the month after the lease expired via a letter you sent...A MONTH BEFORE MY LEASE EXPIRED! Unfortunately there is nothing I can do besides provide you with a monetary sum of $200 in order to break my lease. After all, I have already paid tuition for a school in Seattle and really don't feel like sticking around in Missoula until my "new lease" expires. Furthermore, I'm aware I cannot legally sign anyone else on to the lease because the girl that I signed over from is still on the lease and is off in the South Pacific somewhere. Wow, PPM you really have me in a bind. I guess I have no choice but to pay you the $200.

Now you're telling me that I have to pay you rent from the first until the 19th because "the unit became re-rented on the twentieth". BULLSHIT, a package was delivered there on January 7th, that was collected by the current resident. Also you're withholding $590 from my deposit for "An installed storm window" (which wasn't broken but just need to be put back in place), "Window blinds" (which cost $90 at most) and rental and dump fee for a mattress. FUCK OFF PPM! I'm sure that if I don't pay the money you want you will certainly sue me and shoot my dog. That's a horrible thing to do to a poor college student. I'm not saying that you made the threat, but I think you would shoot my dog.

What are some other things that I think you would happily do? Here they are:

You would give Iran nuclear weapons, just for fun. And then give them a map with Israel circled several times with a big red marker.

You would make AIDS apples and sell them at elementary school cafeterias.

You would construct a cat grinding machine that grinds young children's beloved felines into sausage which you would force feed same said children.

You would molest thousands of children and get no pleasure out of it. You'd simply do it to molest children.

You'd kick old women down flights of stairs, film it and then put it on Youtube, starring PPM.

You would yell racist things at minorities, and speak of the "master-race rebirth".

You would set fire to hospitals, just for fun.

You would rent out shitty apartments to Jewish families and call it Holocaust, the sequel: Missoula.

You would take starving children from Africa and force them to watch episodes of "Next Top Chef", "The Biggest Loser" and 24 hours of the Food Network. Then you would feed them only dirt cookies and lint from all the crappy laundry machines in your shitty buildings.

Finally, you would continue to take advantage of young, naive college students and an unconcerned legislature to ensure the return of the Third Reich through your offices.

I'm not saying that you do or will do this things, I'm just saying I think you would do this things. This isn't libel. On that note:

GO FUCK YOURSELF PPM! I hope you fall out of a fast-moving van of some sort and explode in a ball of flames. I'm not going to pay you the $544.00 you want. See you in court.