...Call me what you want...
BUT in the spirit of all y'all's year end countdowns, I will list the top 5 worst Christmas songs (and this is only my opinion so don't feel bad if I speared through your holiday memories).
5. Alvin & The Chipmunks- Christmas Don't Be Late
Oh, the simple things in life, when you kid only wanted a hula hoop. But he wanted it SOOO bad, it was nauseating. These are the things matricide are made of.
4. Amy Grant- Grown Up Christmas List
I'll tell you whats on my grown-up Christmas list, Amy. Three thousand dollars and lots and LOTS of sex. In no particular order of course. But that's all I really want.
3. Taylor Swift- Silent Night
Not only does she completely re-arrange the song so it sounds like one of her many manufactured ballads, but she is also completely tone-deaf. Maybe you shouldn't play a guitar while you sing, honey. Even if it is completely bedazzled in Swarovski crystals, I think you should concentrate on one thing at a time.
2. Britney Spears- My Only Wish (This Year) TIED with Mariah Carey- All I Want for Christmas Is You
Oh Britney. Mabe you should stop wishing for a man and start wishing for some psychiactric help. If you can believe it, Mariah's song has been haunting us since 1994. 15 years too many.
1. The Beatles- Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time
Every time I hear this song I feel the blood boiling in my veins...I hulk out. This is the all-time worst Christmas song EVER. Maybe it's the chorus of children in the background, or the fact that you can just hear the fab four leering beneath those cheesy lyrics. Terrible. Terrible. Awful.
Granted, most holiday music is enough to make me want to shiv a bitch. Let's not forget to mention ELO...
But there is one that is worth a shit...
Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracey Morgan and Horatio Sans performing The Christmas Treat on SNL a few years back. Horatio sings the little tune while fake snow litters the stage. Tracey's sincere dance, Chris's constant head turning while Jimmy pantomimes the drums completes the short but sweet Christmas song that I can actually stand. It helps that I can laugh at it too.
And anything by Bing Crosby. Good old Bing makes me feel like I'm 25 with 8 kids in 1953 eating that shit right up.
P.S. Rudolph was created in 1939 as part of a marketing campaign for Montgomery Ward. There goes my childhood.
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