Two Words: Van Damme (Or I Finally Have Internet)

In lieu of going out last, some friends and I watched two (that's right, TWO) Jean-Claude Van Damme films. The first, a John Woo creation, entitled Hard Target is truly a large pile of dog shit. It takes place in New Orleans in the very, very early '90s and has a lot to do with hunting homeless veterans for sport. It ends up with Van Damme's character's uncle, played by Wilford Brimley ("I have diabetes, and horses!") shooting a bunch of people and moonshine with arrows that subsequently explode and trigger off a shitload of dynamite. Then Brimley makes shitty alcoholic jokes about moonshine in a terrible French accent which I believe was supposed to be a Cajun/Creole accent. The film surprisingly grossed a total of $32.5 mil at the box office in the US, which proves that people in the early '90s knew jack-shit about everything from music (Paula Abdul) and films (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Needless to say, it was fucking awesome. Check it.

The next award-winning Van Damme masterpiece was 1995's Sudden Death. This action/sports/family/fucked-up piece of cinema stars Van Damme as a fireman-come-headcase-come-security guard for the Pittsburgh Penguins. It is by far the most exciting event in sports ever conceived. Van Damme, a former minor-league goalie in Canada, is working the security for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. He picks up his 7 year-old daughter and 11 year-old son from their mother's house and gives them two tickets to the game (plot bolsterer). The importance of security at this game is crucial. Why? Because the Vice-President is attending the game (further plot development). Obviously, terrorists infiltrate the arena and take the VP hostage. It's up to Van Damme to stop these scoundrels from taking frozen accounts and transferring them into their own. Certainly there are about thirty predictable plot twists throughout this debacle. All that I can say is that Van Damme kills about thirty or more people, saves a goal in overtime and crashes a helicopter. The game directly coincides with the transfer of funds because (spoiler) if they don't transfer an account per period they execute a hostage and if they don't get all of the money by the end of the game, they blow up the stadium (with what? C4 of course). Therefore, at one point the action goes down to the last second, as predicted. The children in this film are doomed to a life of therapy and behavioral issues. It's worth seeing for the incredibly horrible one-liners, exaggerated deaths (the last one is especially fucking good) and utter ridiculousness.

So to keep things interesting we drank to these classics. A drink for every great one-liner, that's pretty much all the dialogue. A drink for every round-house kick (that's all that Van Damme does, round-house kicks everything). A drink for anything exploding. You get the picture.

Pick these ones up, they're so damn good.

Other than that, not much else is new. Made some fresh scallops I picked up from the International District, they're pan-seared with bacon. Wish you guys could be here to share them, here's a pic of them:

Whiplash (in more ways than one)

Whiplash, the world's "toughest cowboy" is, in fact, a monkey. Apparently, Portland is outraged that the date in which Whiplash's rodeo comes to town will include everything except Whiplash. He's not coming. The world is ending.

http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/blogs/BlogtownPDX/
The article is glorious.

Holy fuck this is going to be a-mazing. If you wear purple you get special discounts. A free lapdance, perhaps?

I Thought I'd Reached The End of The Internet, But Then I Found This, And I Can't NOT Share It With You.

Even though I'm sure you've all already seen it. Because I find it hard to believe that I am the only one here (in this imaginary space that is URFCKD) who checks NOTCOT. But all the same.

Behold! The most awesomely fucked up thing I've found on the internet in a while: The Tenga Egg!



Why is The Tenga Egg the most awesomely fucked up thing I've found on the internet in a while?

The Tenga Egg is hollow. And you see how the different packages have different patterns? The inside of the 'eggs' have corresponding... um... textures.

Why on earth would you texturize the inside of a silicone egg, you ask?

You shouldn't have to ask. You should have figured this out by now.

I totally want to mock this. Or the KJ-San Model ("The Future of Masturbation!"), which is cross-sectioned below.

But I can't. Because if I make fun of The Egg or the KJ-San, I'd have to mock all sex toys. And I don't think I'm ready to do that.



Yeah. Buy all of it here (if you can read Chinese. Or Mandarin. Or Cantonese. Or whatever.)

Dios Mio!

ahem.
SO Dallas made me realize something...

(and this is a bit of a rant, but I consider it a healthy purging of feelings)

I'm not the only one who is going insane with boredom. No job, no friends, no money, no heat, and every day I wake up and wish it was tomorrow. And I've been doing this for two months.. I'm a prisoner in my own house, a microcosm of sleep and tea, and weed and wine, which would be fine if it wasn't just me all the time. It's just me in my head every goddamn day. I'm the annoying friend I can't avoid. Cabin fever is one that can't just be cured with more cowbell (at least I've still got that razor sharp wit, eh?). I think maybe I thought moving was going to fix everything. (Well to be fair I don't have any of my old problems...just a whole bunch of new ones.) Or maybe writing a blog including the few photos Ive taken in the last 2 months so that it looks like I'm living the big city life and I am out doing lots of exciting exciting things.

Did you guys see the Amityville Horror when Ryan Reynolds feels crappy when he's at home and then the second they leave he feels better? It's kind of like that, except with less wood splitting and six packs. But I digress.


Smash, bless her heart, works her ass off and and I do is sleep and curl my hair. We barely ever see eachother anymore. I've quite had enough of this, but getting a job has its share of hoops to jump through. I keep thinking that next week I'll be able to start working. But thats turned into two weeks. and then two turns into three.

If it wasn't for Tuna I might be out of my skull. I figure if I'm talking to an animal, it's better than talking to myself.


My only other friend here has thrown me under the bus and fed me to the wolves. After everything I've done for him and everything he preached to me it turns out I was worth nothing. Would a friend sell you out to make themselves look better? Would a friend rub your nose into something youve already apologized and admitted you fucked up about? And they told you not to worry about it? Fuck that. I don't deserve that.

So now I've got an extra murder city devils ticket I guess.

So FUCK IT. I'm going to paint and take walks and make new friends and even though I don't have any money I'm going to have A GOOD TIME. Because I'm sick of this, and sick of putting faith and trust into people who don't deserve to have me as a friend. Because I'm a GOOD PERSON. And I forgot that for a while.

Thanks for being my friends. Even though you are all far away and I can't hug anyone right now, I want everyone to know that I love all y'all.

And Dallas, I'm with you on this one. It won't be like this forever.

Oh My God...

... I am so bored and there is nothing to do while I sit on my hands and wait for prospective employers to call me back except play the damn Wii and read damn books and watch (super) damn TV and, before I ran out of money, drive around smoking (but now I don't have enough money for gas, so that's out) and I've hit the end of the internet at least five times this week and I don't know anyone in Billings anymore and I don't think I can handle it, it's like, cabin fever or something, and I'm goinginsanegoinginsanegoinginsane.


If this keeps up, I may be forced to actually write. Just to break up the monotony. May be...

hip to this.

in response to ben's post forever ago, here are two of my favorite new music videos from the last month or so......

watch and enjoy......

nobunny...(one of my new favorite bands)

king khan and bbq show...(puppets need i say more?)

pabst- yr favorite virtual beer

Things you might want to know about your favorite hip beer.  

1.  Since InBev bought Budweiser, Pabst is now the largest American-owned brewing company, despite only holding a three percent market share in the US.   Hip gone mainstream, but don't worry, most of the Jennifers are still drinking Bud Light.

(So what happened to everyone else?  Well its the same old corporate story.  Molson bought Coors, and formed the aptly named, Coors Molson which in 2007 merged with Miller to form Miller Coors, which sounds American is actually mostly owned by those pesky Canadians.  Miller used to be number two in the US, in sales and sixe.  All the other companies got bought out by each other).

2. Pabst doesn't operate any breweries anymore.  They outsource all the brewing of all their beer brands to Millers vast network of factories around the country.  So in fact your hip can of Pabst is more a cousin to Miller Lite than you ever thought.

3.  Pabst owns the following beers: Olympia, Milwaukee's Best, Rainer, Schlitz and Old Style.  So basically whatever hip blue collar can of beer you choose to drink, its owned by Pabst, the new "man" in American brewing.  This is especially sad for me to discover, not because I love Pabst, but because Old Style is one of my favorite beers, and it's the favored low budget beer of Chicago.

4.  Pabst markets its dive beers insidiously because it knows you're too discerning to choose a beer based on television commercials.  Around 2000, Pabst almost fell off the map because its sales were so low.  Guess what?  It starts buying ads in alternative weekly papers and sponsoring indie rock shows, and it's all of a sudden the largest American brewery left standing.  Huh, I guess the hipsters won, right?

So I guess in conclusion, things are not as they seem.   I guess that's just how things work these days.  I won't stop drinking Old Style, that is for sure.

I Love You More Than "Zelda: Ocarina of Time."

I stumbled across this site the other day, and it's been consuming all of my free time (read: all of my time) since. It's interesting to me to see how other people gauge their love...



(Note: I did not submit any of these.)

soul party

So being in Chicago means some of the best record shopping ever.  In fact record and thrift store shopping have been occupying much of Amanda and I's free time.  I took Ben out a few times, and he was of course impressed.  But this weekend I found a couple more lil under-shopped vinyl gold mines.  

This one Salvation Army on the west side of the city netted me 11 super hard to find soul and funk 45s from the 60s and 70s.  All for 50 cents a piece.  Holy fuck, you'd think the hipsters would be all over this shit, but I guess they don't venture into the poor neighborhoods.

James Brown, Rick James, Parliament, the JBs, Herbie Hancock, Sly and the Family Stone, just to name a few.  Needless to say, I'm ready to fly out and DJ your next party.  Just let me know.

(UPDATE: don't you hate when you link images on the web, and then they disappear.  i couldn't find another 45 graphic on the internet that i like, so this will suffice.  i might just have to start taking all my own photos, that way they won't vanish...)

I Suck This Much (or: Neumo's Thinks I'm A Huge Nerd)

I'm the first on the list with a +1 for Fugiya & Miyagi at Neumos. I'm wondering if anyone else is gonna show up for it. If anyone is gonna be in Seattle on March 7th and wants to go let me know.

UPDATE: Tony will (and has to) be going with me to this show.

My Heart Belongs To PDX

Now that I've had some time to reflect, and have actually taken some photos, I wanted to share my wonderful world of Portland with you all.

I finally got to the zoo.

Dallas, that one's for you.


These two were unreal. It's crazy looking at an animal with a more distinct personality than some people I've met.

I know squirrels arent technically part of the zoo, but this one ran in front of us and then screamed. He was a keeper.


I grew some balls and tattooed myself. Shit sucked but the tattoo turned out great. I'll post a picture when it heals.


It was a practice round for tattooing my partner in crime, Justin.


Grandma polishing the rifle, something his sister drew for him.


He cooked me brunch to say thanks. Amazing.


Bakin' pies for dinner parties! Motherfucking Betty Crocker!


Cache's doppelganger on the left.

We all went to My Bloody Valentine in 3D afterwards. Its a fucking trip. Super cheesy flick but the 3D is totally b.a.n.a.n.a.s.

Speaking of Valentines Day...this is what I will be doing that night.


Top Ten Things I Love About Portland
1. Dinner parties
2. Good food everywhere. Missoula could take some notes.
3. Government aid system is amazing! Planned Parenthood gave me a years supply of the Pill plus about 40 condoms and 2 Plan B pills for FREE. And I qualify for Food Stamps so they give you almost $200 a month for food. Sometimes being unemployed for a bit isnt terrible. At least I know there's no way in hell I'll ever get knocked up and hungry.
4. There are about 8 bars that could be my regular bar.
5. The Mercury (weekly independent newspaper with a killer sense of humor)
6. Everytime I go out I always run into someone I know. Which is weird when you have never lived here.
7. Not having to pump my own gas. I've gotten used to it and it's kind of nice.
8. ART. EVERYWHERE.
9. MUSIC. EVERYWHERE.
10. Everyone I meet wants a tattoo. Thank Baby Jesus I'll be working at a shop soon.

Miss you guys. Hope you're all doing great in your respective cities.

"Uh Huh, My Parent's Are Dead" (Not Really)

I'm having a hard time deciding what I like about this skit the most.

More From the Remix Chapter

So I thought I would contribute to the auto-tune craze. Created with a bit of ATL flavor. This was especially made with Mr Markley in mind.

One Little Monkey Jumping on The Bed...

I am now the last one standing. Rather, I am the sole contributor to this blog who still resides in fair MSLA. True, I still have some wonderful friends here, but it is quite odd to have an entire group of very close friends leave. I'll provide all of you with a brief update:

1. I got a new apartment. More accurately, I have a verbal agreement with a private landlord that I may live in one of his apartments starting some time this week. It is at 3rd and Hazel, across the street from Ben's old place, in the same building that Travis Levy lives in, and across the alley from Mike and Chris. I didn't have to sign anything, he doesn't really care when I pay him, and he didn't even know my full name until after he agreed to rent me the apartment, which I could easily have lied about and he would be none the wiser. Oh, and it has a washer and dryer.

2. I am getting a dog this week. His name is Benny, I'm adopting him from The Pussy Shop. He's one year old, a little needy, a little anxious, but he's sweet as hell. He is a pit bull, chocolate lab cross which is a little nerve racking because Montana is currently deciding whether it will impose a ban on pit bulls and pit bull crosses. Thankfully, my veterinarian has already agreed to change his papers so that he's listed simply as a lab cross.

3. I recently went on a date with a female coworker of mine. The date was uneventful as I was tired as hell, but I have since come to find out that she is basically crazy. She has taken to eating my food at work and sitting on my lap when I'm at my desk. Much to my jubilation, my boss told me on Friday that she was going to be fired. Alas, I arrived at work this morning and found that the deed had not been done. Carly and Christina aptly deemed her "Swiss Miss", as she is a dual citizen of the US and Switzerland.

And here I might rant a bit:

I've been met with a great deal of negativity about MSLA lately, which is understandable, but I must say, being virtually alone in this town makes me appreciate it quite a bit more. When you're able to exist in near anonymity, it really isn't a bad place, and it makes you appreciate more the times when you do run in to people. This town is not corrupt, it is really quite beautiful, but we somehow seem to eat ourselves alive here. It is easy to become complacent here, to fall into a rut, to take the easiest path, but that does not speak to the character of this town, but to the character of ourselves. So if you've left this town, try to remember the positive aspects instead of obsessing over the negative, because I'm tired of hearing it, Eric. (Some might insert an emoticon here.)

Love you kids.

top 10 reasons I love Chicago despite being ass cold and uber snowy

1.  Chicago Public Radio

2.  Being able to see any band that is on tour

3.  Riding the L to work, or home after drinking heavily

4.  Art Museums

5.  Reading Vice and the Onion for free, and not on the Web

6.  Restaurants of every variety, such as Peruvian and Pakistani, within blocks of my apartment.

7.  Thrift stores that are even more amazing than anywhere else in the country

8.  Record stores that drive me crazy how many good records they have

9.  Living three blocks away from Lake Michigan

10. Having choices and opportunities around every corner that just do not exist in towns with less than a million people.

which is to say, I'm glad I moved.  I never was a small town person in the first place.

(ps.  this is for Aaron Young, who wanted to know how everyone's new city was treating them.)

Bangin' for Christ

Down with the crunk? Best get some Jesus in your trunk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5WLdvVEkpw&feature=PlayList&p=31A02920A81D8BC1&playnext=1&index=27

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwGNcYkt_jo&feature=PlayList&p=931A3F59FD054DCA&playnext=1&index=11

the only thing better than these videos might be the comments.

And With This Statement...

... He wins:

This place [The Golden Rose/Badlander/Savoy] is like Walmart. No, seriously: if you ever want to recreate this in Billings, we could just take a six pack to Walmart and walk around.

-My brother Austin, upon experiencing The Complex for the first time.

The Wire (or: How I Gladly Lost Three Weeks Of My Life To A Television Series)

Does anyone else miss The Wire as much as I do? There really are no more drama television series for me to follow. What the hell contemporary pop-culture?

Under the Ocean.

Since I know that at least 1/5 of the contributers to this blog like marine life, here's a picture I found via The New York Times:



They're sea squirts. And they look like hearts. And they're pretty...

So, I Lied.

I know I said I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I've changed my mind. The other day Ryan and I were perusing PostSecret's latest offering, and saw the following confession:



Upon reading it, we both kind of sighed and said, "Word." I can't speak for Ryan, but I can speak for myself when I say, somewhere along the line, reading--which I love, which used to be my favorite past time--has become something of a chore. I'm just too tired, too brain-dead, too fucking apathetic to open a book. I'm too distracted, too preoccupied to spend the requisite time in bookstores, trying to find something I think could engage my interest for a day or two (which is about how long it takes me to finish a three hundred page novel).

And I feel like less of a person as a result.

So, I'm going to join Ryan in deciding that my new New Year's resolution is to find the time to read more. Fortunately, I spent six hours today locked out of the house where I'm staying. This is fortunate because the house where I'm staying is five blocks away from The Book Exchange, which means, for lack of anywhere else to go, I was forced to hang out and read. I read "Hairstyles of the Damned" this afternoon, and found a copy of "The Cloud Atlas" for a dollar (which is exciting, because that is exactly 1/120th of the amount I ended up paying in late fees when I borrowed it from the Mansfield Library after I lost it before I could read it.)

Hopefully, this will make me feel like a real-live human girl again.