An Open Letter To PPM

Dear Professional Property Management,

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKERS! In my original lease you failed to mention that my upon the end of the lease it would not default to a month-to-month basis. Rather you informed me that I would be renewing my lease upon paying for rent the month after the lease expired via a letter you sent...A MONTH BEFORE MY LEASE EXPIRED! Unfortunately there is nothing I can do besides provide you with a monetary sum of $200 in order to break my lease. After all, I have already paid tuition for a school in Seattle and really don't feel like sticking around in Missoula until my "new lease" expires. Furthermore, I'm aware I cannot legally sign anyone else on to the lease because the girl that I signed over from is still on the lease and is off in the South Pacific somewhere. Wow, PPM you really have me in a bind. I guess I have no choice but to pay you the $200.

Now you're telling me that I have to pay you rent from the first until the 19th because "the unit became re-rented on the twentieth". BULLSHIT, a package was delivered there on January 7th, that was collected by the current resident. Also you're withholding $590 from my deposit for "An installed storm window" (which wasn't broken but just need to be put back in place), "Window blinds" (which cost $90 at most) and rental and dump fee for a mattress. FUCK OFF PPM! I'm sure that if I don't pay the money you want you will certainly sue me and shoot my dog. That's a horrible thing to do to a poor college student. I'm not saying that you made the threat, but I think you would shoot my dog.

What are some other things that I think you would happily do? Here they are:

You would give Iran nuclear weapons, just for fun. And then give them a map with Israel circled several times with a big red marker.

You would make AIDS apples and sell them at elementary school cafeterias.

You would construct a cat grinding machine that grinds young children's beloved felines into sausage which you would force feed same said children.

You would molest thousands of children and get no pleasure out of it. You'd simply do it to molest children.

You'd kick old women down flights of stairs, film it and then put it on Youtube, starring PPM.

You would yell racist things at minorities, and speak of the "master-race rebirth".

You would set fire to hospitals, just for fun.

You would rent out shitty apartments to Jewish families and call it Holocaust, the sequel: Missoula.

You would take starving children from Africa and force them to watch episodes of "Next Top Chef", "The Biggest Loser" and 24 hours of the Food Network. Then you would feed them only dirt cookies and lint from all the crappy laundry machines in your shitty buildings.

Finally, you would continue to take advantage of young, naive college students and an unconcerned legislature to ensure the return of the Third Reich through your offices.

I'm not saying that you do or will do this things, I'm just saying I think you would do this things. This isn't libel. On that note:

GO FUCK YOURSELF PPM! I hope you fall out of a fast-moving van of some sort and explode in a ball of flames. I'm not going to pay you the $544.00 you want. See you in court.

An Ongoing Open Letter to Professional Property Management

Dear Professional Property Management,

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKERS! In my original lease you failed to mention that my upon the end of the lease it would not default to a month-to-month basis. Rather you informed me that I would be renewing my lease upon paying for rent the month after the lease expired via a letter you sent...A MONTH BEFORE MY LEASE EXPIRED! Unfortunately there is nothing I can do besides provide you with a monetary sum of $200 in order to break my lease. After all, I have already paid tuition for a school in Seattle and really don't feel like sticking around in Missoula until my "new lease" expires. Furthermore, I'm aware I cannot legally sign anyone else on to the lease because the girl that I signed over from is still on the lease and is off in the South Pacific somewhere. Wow, PPM you really have me in a bind. I guess I have no choice but to pay you the $200.

Now you're telling me that I have to pay you rent from the first until the 19th because "the unit became re-rented on the twentieth". BULLSHIT, a package was delivered there on January 7th, that was collected by the current resident. Also you're withholding $590 from my deposit for "An installed storm window" (which wasn't broken but just need to be put back in place), "Window blinds" (which cost $90 at most) and rental and dump fee for a mattress. FUCK OFF PPM! I'm sure that if I don't pay the money you want you will certainly sue me and shoot my dog. That's a horrible thing to do to a poor college student. I'm not saying that you made the threat, but I think you would shoot my dog.

What are some other things that I think you would happily do? Here they are:

You would give Iran nuclear weapons, just for fun. And then give them a map with Israel circled several times with a big red marker.

You would make AIDS apples and sell them at elementary school cafeterias.

You would construct a cat grinding machine that grinds young children's beloved felines into sausage which you would force feed same said children.

You would molest thousands of children and get no pleasure out of it. You'd simply do it to molest children.

You'd kick old women down flights of stairs, film it and then put it on Youtube, starring PPM.

You would yell racist things at minorities, and speak of the "master-race rebirth".

You would set fire to hospitals, just for fun.

You would rent out shitty apartments to Jewish families and call it Holocaust, the sequel: Missoula.

You would take starving children from Africa and force them to watch episodes of "Next Top Chef", "The Biggest Loser" and 24 hours of the Food Network. Then you would feed them only dirt cookies and lint from all the crappy laundry machines in your shitty buildings.

Finally, you would continue to take advantage of young, naive college students and an unconcerned legislature to ensure the return of the Third Reich through your offices.

I'm not saying that you do or will do this things, I'm just saying I think you would do this things. This isn't libel. On that note:

GO FUCK YOURSELF PPM! I hope you fall out of a fast-moving van of some sort and explode in a ball of flames. I'm not going to pay you the $544.00 you want. See you in court.

leaving noises...not to be confused with arriving noises...

I will soon be joining the ranks of folks who were formerly missoulians.

It is not leaving Missoula that I am struggling with...it's making preparations to leave that is the trouble. Ive got too much crap and can't possibly take it all with me. Besides the exception of 60% of my closet, my records, coozies, tuna and my mother's trunk (oh and the back seat of the v. smokes van that is now mine), most of the things I possess will have to go. Liquidation sale? I don't know how to go about the weeding out process. If any of you want to accumulate more things, let me know if theres anything you have your eye on. Especially art and a set of dining room chairs.

And if anyone wants to get in on a garage sale of epic proportions, I bet that would help my situation as well.

It's weird how people don't tell you that they appreciate you or the things you do until you tell them you're moving away. I think it's just the nature of human folk.

An Open Letter

Dear Muffy,

Let me preface this by saying that I know you're rocking that whole masculine vibe. I get that. You should know that I am, too, except that I have the penis to back it up.

The purpose of this letter is to ask that you refrain, in the future, from attempting to undermine my knowledge regarding all things home improvement and construction. You may have forgotten that I spent a healthy ten years helping my father improve the structural, plumbing, heating, and electrical features of two separate houses. Not to mention the three additional years of learning spent assisting two designers on numerous design and carpentry projects.  And while I don't discount any experience you may have in these fields, I know my shit.

It may be a shortcoming of my own, but when you try to tell me that a load bearing beam could be replaced with ease because it is a simple 4" x 4" post, I'm not going to be able to correct you in an accommodating manner. Firstly, replacing a load bearing ceiling beam is never easy. Secondly, there is not a brain dead, redneck, asshole of a contractor in this world who would use a simple fencing post as a critically important structural support. Thirdly, when I inform you that a two foot section of the existing 4" x 8" beam has rotted due to the consistent water leak that has been ignored for God knows how long, please don't suggest patching the interior leak as a long term solution. Especially when said beam is directly above the primary seating area. I don't want to die quite yet. How about instead, when I suggest that the real issue to address is the leak on the roof and replacing the beam, you nod in consent? That would be great.

Thank you for your time and understanding.

Graciously yours,

Lil Bob Vila